


a lamp that keeps me at home

by bottmharrys



Category: One Direction
Genre: Fanfiction, Fluff, M/M, Sad, Smut, larry - Freeform, larry stylinson - Freeform, one direction - Freeform, sadfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-27
Updated: 2016-12-27
Packaged: 2018-09-12 16:32:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,607
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9080536
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bottmharrys/pseuds/bottmharrys
Summary: Harry Styles is in love with Louis orHarry tries to win Louis' heart despite the fact that he might not like him back.





	

I'd like to say that every time it says  the date and i don't put "Harry's/ Louis' POV" then that means i'm saying it in third person.

this will contain some strong language and might offend some. enjoy! 

 

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It was November 21, 2015. 

Exactly 8 days after Made In The AM was released. The boys were being interviewed by Jonathan Ross, and they all went to take a seat. Harry and Louis sitting next to each other, of course. "Ok so I got some questions in from fans," said Jonathan. "First one is for Harry! Harry are you going to get anyone anything special for Christmas?" he said and pointed the microphone close to his mouth. Harry was in thought for a second even though he knew the answer already. "Umm...," he said in fond as he looked at Louis. "Well, of course Louis," he said and paused for a minute. "And especially my family." Louis crinkled his eyes as he smiled and looked at Harry. Harry looked at him and smiled back then turned his attention to the interviewer. 

"We always have to ask this question, you know the drill." said the interviewer as he adjusted his seat closer to the boys. Harry raised his eyebrows and looked around the room. "How many people," said Jonathan as the camera made a dramatic close-up to Harry and him like The Office. "Have you slept with this year." Liam and Niall laughed at the question and looked at Harry for his response. Harry threw his hands in the air as if he was flipping an imaginary table. "I slept with," Harry said. "myself if that counts." Niall busted out laughing and Liam clapped his hands with every laugh that came out of him while Louis covered his mouth and chuckled. "Okay next question." Harry said as the crowd of people laughed and cheered. 

Jonathan handed out signs to the boys that said I have and the other side said Never. "You guys have already played this game before many times, so I'm guessing you know the rules already." he said. As the crowd went quiet Jonathan read the questions that fans asked for him to say. "I have never kissed a man." he read out loud off the paper and showed the side that said Never. The boys looked at each other awkwardly smiling. Louis was spinning his sign in circles while Harry grabbed the sign by the stick and slowly flapped it up and down. Liam rested his sign on his thigh, and Niall put his sign to say Never and covered his face with one hand to laugh. "Well?" Jonathan said as he raised both of his eyebrows and looked at the boys. It was silent for about a minute. 

"So, Liam, how's that chlamydia going for you." said Louis breaking the silence. The boys laughed along with the crowd and Jonathan continued asking them questions. 

After the show was over Harry headed towards the mall to find Louis a birthday present that can be so meaningful that he would take it as a Christmas present as well. Harry was wearing a blue Hawaiian shirt with black skinny jeans, and went inside Adidas & Gucci to spend over 1,000 dollars for Louis. 

He was also contemplating wether or not he should go to Spencer's. 

Harry's POV  
As I was making my way downtown to go back home my phone received a text message. It was Louis. 

Sweetcheeks: Hey Harry! I put up the Christmas Tree. I'll wait for you in the flat. x

Reply: Hi Louis :) I'll be home in a few minutes. H

Sweetcheeks: Harry, I know who you are you don't have to keep putting 'H' at the end of your sentences each time love! x 

I smiled at the text message and went to Google. I hoped that Louis would like what I got him but I felt like it wasn't enough. "Ok Google," I said into my phone. "Grey Christmas sweaters." I waited until it searched and let's just say that Google is deaf. 

Instead of searched for grey Christmas sweaters it searched up gay christian sweepers. I laughed at the amount of porn sites that popped up and started typing instead. I searched for Best Christmas gifts and one thing in particular caught my eye. It was called Friendship Lamps and they came in a pair of two that were in sync with each other. When someone with one of the lamps taps theirs the other person with the other one's glows. I bought it online and it said it would arrive in 1-3 days and went to buy Christmas wrapping paper at a nearby store.

Louis' POV  
I started arranging the dinner table and serving one of my classics. Which is probably the only dish I could ever make in my whole life. 

Chicken stuffed with mozzarella wrapped in parma ham with a side of homemade mash. 

I wanted to try something new for a change now that it's getting closer to Christmas. And since Harry worked in a bakery I thought, why not try and do some baking and make a cake? I got all the ingredients to make a chocolate cake and went to YouTube on my phone to search up Cooking by the book. As I was whisking I danced to the lyric:  
♪ You know you can't be lazy! If you do the cooking by the book then you'll have a... break it down bitch! let me see you back it up ♪  I opened my eyes and laughed when I realized that I clicked the wrong one and continued swaying my hips from side to side because it was actually pretty catchy. 

There was a knock at the door and I went to go open it. "Hi Louis!" said Harry as he came and hugged me with a hand behind his back. I paid no attention to it and he went to our bedroom. 

Harry's POV  
I grabbed all the clothes and accessories that I bought for Louis and Christmas wrapping paper that had little snowmen riding reindeers on it. As I was wrapping his gifts it reminded me of the livestream I made of me saying how I wrapped it myself. 

 

That was also the day Louis didn't answer me because he was busy being with somebody else. He didn't come home until a few days later. I didn't go out or anything because I didn't have anyone to follow, and I wasn't a leader. I needed someone to be with me at all times and make sure I'm okay and doing well. When he wasn't there I felt lost. 

I put little blue bows on the right top corner of the 3 giant boxes and went into the living room where the un-decorated Christmas tree was and placed it under. "Who is that for?" said Louis as he put the cake into the oven. "The neighbors dog obviously." I said sarcastically . "Oo," I said. "Is that chocolate cake I smell?" "No you're smelling the neighbors dog's shit." Louis said sassily. I laughed hard and went next to Louis.

"I love you." I said to him and thought about kissing him but he doesn't see me that way and I was sure about it. "I love you too." he said and grabbed my face to squish my cheeks and smiled. I thought he was going to finally kiss me and put such passion into it and all the things that he ever wanted to say to me that meant more than a friend type of way was shown in the kiss. But he didn't. Why was I surprised about this? We've only been friends this whole time and people have always spread rumors about us dating which is the only thing I wish that could have been a reality. Even if he did I was sure the boys wouldn't accept us. They'd make fun of us and call us names. From the way that our brotherhood is, it seems like we're very close, but behind closed doors we can be quite rude to each other. Especially Liam, I'm sure he would be the one who would make us leave the band. He seems like a sweet guy which he is but he can be aggressive towards me. I haven't told anyone what he did to me when I was supporting gay rights and I don't plan on telling anyone about it either. 

I pulled away from his soft hands and looked at him in awe. He was the most beautiful man I have ever encountered and he knew that. He just smiled as I looked at him. I hugged him again and this time tears were falling from my eyes. "What's wrong?" Louis said as he pulled away to look at me. "Nothing," I said. "Nothings wrong. I just love you too much, that's all." Louis looked at me for a second and wiped away my tears and hugged me back.

"I'll always be here when you need me, Harry." he said and smiled at me. I smiled back and a ding was heard from the oven. The cake was ready and Louis put it out. It looked delicious and moist as he placed it at the table. "Oh!" he said as he opened his mouth. "I forgot I made a little something." he said and opened the refrigerator. "It was supposed to be a banana smoothie..." he said as he pulled out the gunk in a cup. It might taste good, but look bad was my first thought so I went to give it a taste. Completely regret my decision but it was worth a shot. I almost gagged but I tried to make the best out of it just for him.

 

"I'm guessing it wasn't good." Louis said as he got the gunk in a cup from my hand and threw it away.   
"I appreciate that you tried your best." I said and put my hand in the air waiting for a high five from Louis.   
"No? Nothing? Nobody?... Alright." I said and put my hand out and Louis laughed. He reached for my hand and made me high five himself. 

I couldn't take my eye off of Louis. 

 

I'm just really in love with him. 

We finished our dinner and went straight to bed. Louis was a fast sleeper and a heavy sleeper too, he couldn't wake up for nothing. Not even if police sirens were right next to him. He'd probably sleep talk and put his hands up to say "It wasn't me! I'm innocent!" but that's just how he is. It was hard for me to fall asleep. Usually I fall asleep in 5 minutes then wake up like it was one second of dreaming about getting my dick sucked by Louis or even being married with him one day. But I was sure that wouldn't happen until a long time. A long while. 

As Louis was asleep peacefully, I was crying and thinking about the most horrible things that could happen one day and I couldn't stop thinking about them. I didn't know why. What if when I finally reveal what I've always felt about him he doesn't feel the same way? And he stops talking to me completely and all these years of friendship just went to waste because of me and my stupid love fantasies for someone who doesn't even seem to notice. I got up carefully to try and not wake Louis up. Then, went to the bathroom to get Kleenex and cry. The usual of course, a typical Saturday night. I took out my phone and watched coming out videos and felt such joy for them and hoping that would be me one day with Louis by my side. Reality is a bitch, though. None of that would or will ever happen. 

After a long time of crying I was finally getting sleepy due to my splitting headache. I went to go lay down next to Louis. It was freezing. I was shivering and curled up into a ball. I felt his legs intertwine with mine and got closer to wrap my arms around him. When I woke up in the middle of the night I was curled in his arms and it felt so good. He didn't seem to notice and I stayed there because it felt like home. Wherever he was, was my home. He grunted and that was a sign that he was waking up and I quickly moved out of the way and went to the opposite side of the bed. He didn't wake up, though. Instead he stretched a little and put his arm around me like a teddy bear. His teddy bear. I smiled as he held me closer and closed my eyes.

 

Harry's POV ; November 23, 2015.

I woke up to the smell of Louis smoking in the living room with the windows open. My hair was all over the place just like my personality. 

I stood up and my feet touched the cold floor. My blanket was over my head and I stayed in that position for about 20 minutes. Then, I got up and went where Louis was. Louis was just chilling near the window having a smoke. "Good morning Louis!" I said as I came behind to hug him. "Morning." he simply said. No emotion at all, not even a little smile. I wanted to see that beautiful smile that shines so bright and makes my whole day just one more time. "Did you eat already?" I asked. "Not hungry." he said and continued smoking. "We should go do something." I said as I opened the window even more to show the beautiful green grass and the blue sky filled with big clouds and a shiny sun. 

He looked at me as if he was observing what I was up to. "Like where?" he asked. "Anywhere you'd like." I said and smiled afterwards. He smiled back and I've never felt so happy before from something as simple as a smile. I grabbed his hand and guided him towards the door. "Let's go to...," he said and paused to think. "A club!" I tried to comprehend what he was trying to say. "A club," I said sounding concerned. "Like.. a gay club?" He raised an eyebrow. "No silly," he said. "A club like a strip club or something." I was physically killing myself in my mind and wanted to beat myself up for even saying that. "Ohh..," I said. "Okay let me get ready cause ... I am not going out like this." I extended both of my hands outwards, showing my outfit. Louis looked at me up and down. "You look handsome and fine, c'mon let's go!" he reassured me. I smiled and went outside with him. "You do too." I said after a while. He hummed in confusion. "It's for what you said back there," I said. "I mean to say that you're handsome, too." He smiled and put his hands on his cheeks acting embarrassed and shy. 

On the way to a famous club known for strippers Louis has smoked about 40 times. Thankfully, when we got there it said No Smoking. Louis tossed his cigarette butt on the floor and stepped on it. When we both walked inside there was already strippers dancing on poles, others giving lap dances to rich old men, and one getting possibly drunk from a juice box with double the sugar. I turned my head over to Louis who bit his lip at the sight of all the ladies in there. He picked a table booth for the two of us and ordered us some drinks. I didn't need like 10 drinks to get drunk, though. With about 2 shots of anything I'll be the one dancing on that pole. 

A few minutes of sitting in the booth I was already bored. I wanted to ask Louis if he wanted to dance with me and in my mind I had the whole scene planned out along with possible things that could happen. The most common one was getting rejected. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.

"Louis do you want to dance with me?" I said quickly and opened my eyes. Louis pointed his pointer finger upwards as a way to tell me to wait. "What are you doing here all alone baby? Let's dance. Have some fun!" a white lady in lace said to Louis and he stood up from the booth to dance with her. He turned over at me. "Tell me what you were going to say in a little bit." he shouted like if he was wearing headphones. I didn't know wether I should be upset or happy that he's having fun. I kept my eyes on Louis and cropped the lady completely out of the picture. I imagined that instead of her being with him, it was me. We would be dancing and whispering sweet words into each other's ears. 

I thought they would stop dancing after a few songs but one hour later he's still there. Dancing with every person in this club except for me. 

I decided that I needed to have some fun too. Despite the fact that Louis doesn't acknowledge me, I am going to have some fun. I grabbed my un-touched beer and drank it all in one chug. I was feeling loose. I felt wild and crazy. I stood up from my booth where I have been for the past hour and saw my ass printed into the red cushion. I made my way to the dance floor and was a few feet away where Louis was. I danced my ass around and even sang in the karaoke machine that they had. Who knew. 

I felt free for a short amount of time and all my worries about Louis disappeared for a brief moment. 

 

Louis' POV  
I carried Harry into the car at 3:00 a.m in the morning after him collapsing on the floor. He got too wasted I'm guessing. I don't remember most of it anyways. When we arrived at our flat I tapped Harry on the shoulder hoping he would wake up. "Harry." I said into his ear. He grunted and moved to his side. Even though he is taller than me, I managed to carry him into the living room and set him on the couch. I headed to the kitchen to get food and water for him to get rid of the throw-up taste if anything happens. I looked at Harry and just like I suspected he ran into the bathroom and you could hear gagging and spitting being heard. I went inside to comfort him. He didn't raise his head from the toilet seat. Instead he stayed that way for a while. When he was surely done I flushed the toilet for him and put his arm over my shoulders and helped him back onto the couch then afterwards I wiped his face with a wet napkin. 

"Here," I said as I handed him water and a cookie. "Numb the taste of vomit for a while." He smiled at me and happily took the water bottle and cookie from my hands. "Thanks Louis," he said with alcohol in his breath. "For everything you've done. I'm really grateful to have you in my life." I smiled at his words and fiddled with my thumb then looked up at him. "I'm grateful to have you in my life too, Harry." I said. It went silent for a little bit. "You sleepy?" I finally said. "Yeah," he said. "You?" I nodded my head. "Let's go to bed," I said pointing both hands to our bedroom. "Shall we?" He laughed and had a blank face. "Louis," Harry said. "Would you mind helping me there?" I looked at him. "Not at all." I said and helped him make his way to the bed. I got cozy under the blankets and looked at Harry who was sitting up on the bed. "You heading to sleep anytime soon?" I said jokingly. He nodded and chuckled. He had a little hiccup in there too. He laid down and cuddled with me. I had no problem with it, he was drunk after all. 

"Louis do you like boys." Harry said.

"If you mean as friends then yes." I said. 

"Oh." he said.

I turned off the lights and fell asleep with him in my arms.

Harry's POV ; November 24, 2015 .  
I woke up dizzy and light headed. When I tried to stand up I bumped into walls and fell on the floor. It felt like I was an old man who forgot where his cane was. I was going to call for Louis but I saw him dead asleep on the floor. Who knows what happened yesterday in the middle of the night. When I managed to get up I checked the date on my phone and the gift that I got for Louis was supposed to be arriving today. It was already 11:28 a.m. I opened the front door and there it was. A big brown box awaiting there. Hallelujah! I ripped the box open and 2 light blue rectangle lamps were covered in blue bubble wrap which I will gladly pop one by one later. Quickly, I brought it inside got the wrapping paper then wrapped it to place it under the Christmas tree. There was a manual for the lamps and it said you can change the colors and leave a recorded message for the other person to hear. Pretty cool. I heard coughing from the bedroom and quickly I hid the manual in my back pocket. 

"Morning Louis." I said and waved at the wrecked-hair Louis. He stretched and yawned. "Good morning," he said. "Feeling any better?" I'm sure he was talking about yesterday where I was drunk. "Uhh," I said as I fixed up the plates and placed them on the dinner table. "Yeah. This morning I could barely stand up, but you know it could've been worse." He hummed and nodded. Louis went into the kitchen and prepared to make pancakes. I was crossing my fingers that he didn't burn down the house. "Hey Louis," I said and looked at the corner of the living room where the tree sat. "When do you think we're going to start decorating the Christmas tree?" He flipped 2 pancakes and paused. "Hmm," he said. "We can start today if you'd like." "I'd like that very much." I said and smiled then looked down at the floor. 

We sat down on the grain wooden dinner table on opposite sides. Louis was sitting in front of me as he squished the syrup bottle and the sweet liquid poured over his pancakes. He did a pretty good job. Only 2 pancakes were burnt out of 7, a new record! I grabbed one pancake and started cutting it into small pieces with my fork and knife. I looked up at Louis who looked at his pancakes like he didn't want them. "Hey Louis," I said. "Do you think we'll always be friends no matter what?" He sipped his milk and looked at me. "What do you mean by that?" he said. "Did you do something bad? Of course I'll always be your friend." I shrugged and my put my head down. "I don't know I just," I paused and breathed hard. "I feel like I'll mess everything up one day because of something I'll do." He stopped chewing a small piece of his first pancake and looked for the right words to say. "Harry," he said. "Is there something you need to tell me?" I bit the inside of my cheek. 

"No," I said and faked a smile. "I'm just asking stupid things." He hummed and continued eating his meal. I felt tears rolling down my cheeks and I pretended like I yawned and wiped my eyes. "Ready to decorate the Christmas tree?" Louis asked and put his pancakes in the refrigerator. "Mmhm." I said and headed over to the naked tree. Louis brought out 2 clear boxes filled with ornaments and Christmas lights. I grabbed an ornament that had a snowman flicking his middle finger out and placed it somewhere near the center of the tree. Louis noticed and laughed as he put another ornament next to mine that had two snowmen hugging. I grabbed a magazine from under the table that was located in between the couch and television. It was the latest Gossip between Louis and I. More rumors about us dating. Every time Louis saw one of these he'd laugh and joke about it, but I knew he was uncomfortable on the inside. I grabbed a pair of scissors and cut out Louis' face who's tongue was out and had his beautiful bluey-greeny eyes looking at one another then glued it onto one of the snowmen that were hugging on the ornament. Then, I proceeded to cut my face out who was blushing and looking to the left and glued it next to Louis' snowman. Those snowmen represented him and I accurately. He was just having a good time being my friend while I was too shy to even speak about my feelings and just enjoying the feeling of being in his life.  "Aww," he said as he looked at the larry cut-out snowmen. "Cute." 

30 minutes later, we were finally done with the Christmas tree. It was covered in various colors. From green to blue, to yellow and orange, the whole rainbow was splattered onto our Christmas tree and it was the most beautiful sight. "Harry," Louis said as he failed to reach the top of the tree on his tip-toes. "Mind helping?" I carried him and my shirt went up to reveal my stomach. Louis put an angel instead of a star at the tip of the tree. "There we go." he said and I let him go. "Why didn't you put a star instead?" I asked. "Not that it isn't pretty, but I'm curious." Louis opened his mouth but nothing came out. That's when I knew that it was something more than just angel to him. It was his guide to be happy. I've noticed that he has been having problems with his family and many things have also been happening to him, but this angel will make him believe that he will always be happy and this angel will watch over him. "Never mind," I said smiling and moved my hands across his hair. "It's beautiful. Shines more bright than a star." He put his hands on his hips and looked up at the angel. "It does doesn't it." he said. 

We made hot chocolate together and had one of those lazy nights where we lay down on the living room couch and watch movies. Louis already fell asleep not even close to half the movie but I didn't mind. I took the hot chocolate from his small hands and placed it on the table and criss-crossed my legs with my guitar on my lap next to the Christmas tree while humming songs. 

"Hey Angel..." I sang softly. "Tell me, do you ever cry when we waste away our lives?" I strummed the guitar strings in a low beat. "Do you know the reasons why," I sniffled as tears landed on the guitar. "We look up at the sky..." I looked up at the angel and smiled then turned over at Louis.

"One day." I whispered and tried to smile, but instead I ended up crying. This was a non - ending process for a few weeks. I was a man crying over another man. And that other man didn't give two fucks about me. 

Harry's POV ; November 26, 2015.  
I woke up with a migraine from crying too much, and went to the kitchen to look for a medicine to cure this headache. I got a spoon and carefully filled it with a dark red color of medicine. One giant gulp later, I tried to not gag and throw up. That shit was disgusting. I shook my head and ran my fingers through my hair to comb it back. "Louis?" I called loud enough to echo through the whole house. 

No response. 

I looked over the whole house from top to bottom but there was no sign of him. After 5 minutes of searching I saw that he had been smoking on the front porch through the living room window. "There you are." I said in relief. "Here I am." he said as he used one hand to show off his body. It was incredibly hot outside for it to be November, but Louis looked even hotter. He had a dark green cap on with a white t-shirt and khaki shorts that went down to his knees and of course, some white vans. His stubble was growing rapidly and his skin didn't glow like it usually did, but I didn't care because he still looked beautiful to me. I sat down to the chair next to him and gazed at the glorious sight of the front yard. Louis and I thought about planting our own tree or flowers one day and watch them flourish together. My imagination of us planting a tree together was interrupted by the sound of wheezing and it was coming from Louis. "Louis," I said worriedly. "You doing alright?" He couldn't talk, but continued coughing his lungs out. I ran inside and handed him a water bottle. He opened it and drank one big gulp as I patted his back. Louis shook his head, closed his eyes shut, and furrowed his eyebrows to try and adjust his vision back to normal. 

"You better now?" I said as I was observing every detail on his face. "Yeah," Louis said and cleared his throat. "Just caught a cold I'm guessing." He did that laugh where you don't really laugh, but instead just breathe out of your nose more. I turned my seat to face his. "Louis," I said. "You want to grow something special in the garden?" He looked at the garden and puckered his lips to the side. He smiled  and ran to the garden as he held me by the arm. "What do you want to plant?" he asked. "Roses are pretty, and sunflowers. Any flower is pretty to me." I said. Louis got bags of flower seeds and one seed was meant to be a cherry blossom tree. I got a watering can and filled it with water while Louis began digging holes with a shovel to plant the seeds and patted the dirt on top when he was done. 

It made me happy seeing all the things that Louis was doing for me even though he's going through the most bullshit, and I can't do anything about it. 

He grunted as he got up from crouching on the floor. "Were ready for the water, Harry!" he called out to me. I walked over with the watering can and water came spurting through the dozens of holes. The dirt dampened and I looked at Louis and gave him a smile. He gave me a little smirk and that was all I needed. After he headed inside to avoid the hot sun I grabbed my phone and went to Twitter. Something I have not touched in years. I tweeted "The sun's so hot I forgot to go home." and laughed at the amount of people in my replies freaking out that I tweeted. 

The rest of the day Louis and I didn't do much. Not even talk or me associating with him and calling his name every second to ask stupid questions. None of that happened afterwards. He sat on the bed and scrolled through his phone. I was sitting on the couch and thought about what we would do when he opened the gifts I got him and saw the lamps. I really hope he'd like them. 

"Hello Daisy, can you pass the phone to mum?" I heard Louis say. It made me happy to see Louis talking to his family. "You feeling any better," Louis said. "I can send money if you'd like." I couldn't hear what the person he was talking on the phone was saying, only mumbling. "I miss you too," he said. "Really really miss you." Louis faintly laughed, but I know he was upset about something. "Did you have fun this weekend?" he said. He laughed at their response which was added by a sniffling sound and groaning. 

"I just love you so much," he said. "I'll be happy just for you, but promise me you'll be happy too." 

I fluttered my eyelashes and tears were rapidly falling on my pants. "Okay, love you too. Bye." he said and hung up. I thought wether or not I should let him have some space or comfort him but something led me to go into his presence. I sat next to him and gave him a hug. "I love you, Louis. I will always be here not matter what." I said. He didn't say anything back and I understood that. Instead he put his hand behind my back and patted it then rubbed it across. 

Harry's POV ; December 19, 2015.  
When I woke up I didn't see Louis by my side. I checked outside to see if he was having his daily smoke and he wasn't there. I dialed his phone number quickly. No answer. It went directly to voicemail and I was worried. It felt cold in his house without him. It didn't feel like home. I couldn't stand one day without him. With him I found hope, and I found my escape from reality. He helped me overcome my problem with blaming things on myself. 

He made me love myself again and in the pathway of doing that I fell in love with him too. 

I sat down on the couch and looked through my gallery that was full of pictures of him. There was one where he kissed me on the cheek. I smiled and panicked again. I went to iMessage and texted him.

Me: Louis are you okay? Please answer me when you can. I'm worried. 

I waited 10 minutes for a response but it never came. But I remembered what Louis told him mum.   
I'll be happy just for you, but promise me you'll be happy too.  I wanted him to be happy so that meant I had to be happy first. I went outside and watered our plants and cherry blossom tree that grew surprisingly quickly. It made me happy seeing what we could grow together.

Louis' POV  
I haven't  talked to Harry in days. I've been too stressed because of family problems. I sat down next to Daisy and Phoebe and watched Finding Nemo together. "When is mum coming home?" Phoebe said. "In a few hours. I'm not sure, she's busy with some things that she needs to take care of." I explained. They both hugged me from both sides as it grew colder inside. I reached over and grabbed a teal blanket and covered the girls with it. My phone rang and I checked to see who it was. "Harry." I mumbled. They both turned to look at me. "What?" Daisy said. "Nothing, I have to take this. I'll be right back." I said as I stood up and answered the phone call in the kitchen. "Hello?" I said. Sniffling was heard through the call. "Louis where are you." Harry said softly. "I'm at my parents house. I had to be over here as soon as possible because something happened," I said. Harry didn't say anything. "I'll be home soon with you again, don't worry. I leave tomorrow." Harry requested a FaceTime call and I accepted. I saw Harry's red eyes and dried up tears on his cheeks. "I miss you." he said. "I do too, Harry," I said. "I'm sorry I left you without saying anything first." Harry wiped his eyes and rested his chin on his hand. "It's fine, it was a family emergency." Harry gave a little smile, waved and hung up.

Harry's POV ; December 20, 2015.  
I stood up from the couch and prepared to make a good meal for Louis to come back to. I haven't slept since yesterday. I was paranoid about what could happen to his family or even him. I tried focusing on the positive side. When he came back, I will tell him that I was madly in love with him. He wouldn't reject me would he? He would still be my friend and I was sure of it. There would be a slight chance that he would say that he loves me too and I would be happy about it. Yet all I could see was heartbreak. 

I put on my gloves and reached inside the oven to pull out the marble cake I made for Louis. Along with mashed potatoes, chicken, rice, and had gingerbread cookies that him and I could make later. I waited hour after hour. Pacing back and forth throughout the whole house having hope he would come back.

He never came.

Louis' POV ; December 23, 2015.  
I stood up from the couch at my parent's house quickly at 4 a.m with sweat on my forehead and ran to the bathroom. I gagged, coughed, and wheezed on the sink. I felt like I couldn't breathe and every second was a battle to gasp for air. Several coughs later, blood spluttered out of my mouth and landed on the sink. I looked at the mirror in front of me shaking as spit and blood dripped from the side of my mouth landing on the floor. As I looked in the mirror I saw a lifeless figure staring back at me. I wanted to call out to Harry but nothing came out of my mouth. I couldn't speak, my whole body was drained and I was weak. All I could do was watch my body fall to the ground. 

I slightly opened my eyes and could see paramedics carrying me to an ambulance car. I looked to the left to saw my entire family looking worried as the two men in white proceeded to take me inside. A lady with curly brunette hair that reached a little over her shoulders was inside and placed an oxygen mask against my nose and mouth. As I looked at her, she reminded me of Harry. I realized I was going to spend my birthday in a hospital, and maybe even Christmas too. The worst part was that it was without Harry. He always did make me have the best and most memorable birthdays. What if I was the one who was going to ruin our friendship? And not the other way around like how he thought it would happen. I tried to ignore it and closed my eyes shut. 

"Sir. Sir." I heard a woman's voice say. I opened my eyes and saw that I was placed on a bed. The room smelled of gloves and soap. Not the good kind of soap, the doctor one. "Are you feeling any better? Do you need water, food, anything?" she asked. "Can I make a call?" I asked. "Only for today, you're not allowed to make phone calls until you're healthy again." she said. What kind of bullshit was that? I grabbed my phone out of her hand and turned it on. 20 text messages and 5 missed calls from Harry. He must've been worried sick about me. I dialed his phone number and waited for him to pick up. "Hello?" Harry said. "Harry, I'm at the hospital. Can you please come visit me tomorrow?" I said. "Oh my god, Louis. Of course. What happened?" he asked. "I've been too stressed and started smoking to make the pain go away but it just got worse." I explained. "Louis, please promise me you'll never smoke again." he said. "Harry..." I said. "No, Louis. If you really care about me and love me like you say you do then you have to love and care about yourself first. That's all I ask for." he said. "Sir, your times up please hand me the phone." the nurse said. "Harry, I'm sorry I have to go. Love you." I said. The nurse took the phone from my hands and hung up. I faintly heard Harry telling me he loved me too as she took it.

After she took my phone and placed it at the top of a counter nearby she handed me pills to numb the pain that I felt in my rib cage area. It felt like someone was taking apart my ribs one by one to get closer to my heart and crush it. I looked over to my right to grab my room-temperature water bottle. I popped the pill into my mouth tasting the dry tangy taste then drank a mouthful of water to swallow the pill easily. The nurse walked out of the door shutting it slowly behind her to prevent noise. The sound of nothing was filled in the room, and it was irritating. Subjective tinnitus happened not even close to a full 2 minutes. There was a long while of ringing happening in my ears. I grabbed my pillow and yanked it from behind my head to place it over my ears to try and block out the sound. It didn't work and I got more anxious. I screamed which quickly turned into my throat burning and getting dry. I reached to get my water bottle and drank it all then pressed the emergencies only button which urges the nurses to come to your assistance. The nurse from before came rushing into the room almost knocking down the door. "Sir, what seems to be the problem? Are you hurt?" she said as she observed body and checked my heartbeat on the cardiac monitor. 

"I need more water." I said. "Right away." she said as she made her way to the door. "Wait," I said and she turned around to face me. "Can you play music for me here? Just let me listen to music please. It's extremely quiet in here and it's frustrating me." I said. She ignored me and walked out of the door. Minutes later she made her way into the doorway with 2 water bottles. This time you could see the coldness building up on the outside and water droplets sliding from the sides making its way down. She placed them on the side of the other empty water bottle and sat down near where my legs were. "I'm sorry but you can't listen to any music because it increases heart rate and blood pressure," she said. "And in the state that you're in... you can't take that risk." She patted my leg region and stepped out of the room. I thought about how tomorrow would go. Harry would be visiting but before any of that would happen I'd have to take x-rays from the doctors and have a sputum test. Didn't expect my birthday to be so shitty. 

My heart sank when I realized that this wasn't a game. I would never see Harry ever again. My family either. My mum would be worried sick without me. She would feel lost and hopeless. I was always there for her when she needed a shoulder to cry on or even a good laugh. She has always been my best friend. I've been her best friend throughout my whole life time. We were the inseparable best of pals. 

Why does God want to take that away from me? 

I bit my quavering lip to prevent myself from crying. I was stronger than that and I expected myself to live by those words. I was strong to go on and win this battle and I was damn sure of it!

Harry's POV; December 24, 2015 ; Louis' Birthday

I couldn't sleep again last night. I was extremely worried if Louis was going to be alright. Was this really the appropriate time to tell him that I loved him? It can wait was my first thought. I dressed in a dark red long-sleeved collared shirt with black skinny jeans and brown boots to match. When I looked in the mirror I saw my eye bags getting worse, but I didn't care. What I had my focus and what I mostly cared about was Louis. I walked into the living room and saw the Christmas Tree with the Friendship Lamps that I got him and grabbed it. I got into the car and started driving to the hospital where Louis was located at. 

Louis' POV  
I sat down in the doctor's office wearing a hospital gown. The doctor put his gloves on and approached me. "Mr. Tomlinson I want you to cough onto this container so we can get test results on wether you have lung cancer or not." he said. I nodded and moved my legs back and forth as if I was a little boy. The doctor got closer with the clear circle shaped container to my mouth waiting for me to cough. I coughed hardly onto it and a thick fluid was in the container. I opened my eyes wide and furrowed my eyebrows with my mouth slightly open. A nurse came in to take away the container and take it to the lab to get results. A few minutes later the doctor took me into another room and made me lay down in between a machine. I was having an x-ray to see if I had anything in my lungs. "Turn over to your left." he instructed me. I did as he said and turned to my left. He made me turn into other different positions to get a clear view of my lungs. 

After all the checkups it was finally the day I get to see Harry. So far, that is the only highlight of my birthday. I wasn't sure if my family was going to make it due to their own problems but I was hoping they could make arrangements here and there to see me. I really do miss them. The doctor sent me back into my quiet room and I laid down on the bed with oxygen nasals in my nose. 

They also came in to feed me by hand because I was losing weight at an extremely fast rate. People already made fun of me for my singing and looks now they're going to make fun of my weight too. It's sad how many people can be heartless and can't understand when to shut up.

For the past half-hour I was waiting for anybody to come in through that white wooden door. "Louis Tomlinson?" a male nurse with turquoise scrubs said with his head peaked out through the door. "Yes?" I said. "You have a visitor." he said and motioned his hand to someone to come inside. Harry came walking through the door with a name tag on his chest. I smiled as wide as I possibly could as I saw him coming up to me smiling big. The nurse closed the door behind him leaving Harry and I alone. 

Harry hugged me and sat down by me. "Happy Birthday Louis." he said and handed me a box with Christmas wrapping paper. "Isn't this for tomorrow?" I asked as I grabbed the box. "Yes but I want you to have it today." he said and placed a clear vase with flowers in them on the counter next to me. "Thank you Harry, really means a lot to me." I said. "Open it." he said and smiled. I ripped the decorating paper off and put it to the side. I looked at him as I opened the box. I took out two light blue rectangle shaped lamps. I smiled and he took one of them from my hands, turning it upside down to flip a switch and power it on. 

"You can make them change colors and they're in sync with each other so when you tap your lamp," he explained as he showed me how they worked. "Mine lights up and vice versa. You can also record a message for me to hear, how cool is that!" It made me really happy seeing how excited Harry was to show me how they worked. "Really cool." I said. "So what's been happening in here? Have you been feeling any better?" he asked. "Well," I said. "They gave me an x-ray and did a check-up on me to see if there is anything wrong, but I won't get results back until a few days I think." He tapped his boot on the floor a few times. The sound echoed throughout the room. "Let's hope for the best for now." he said and crossed both of his fingers. I watched as he played with his fingers and chuckled under his breath. I looked over at the flower vase and it reminded me of our garden back at our flat. 

"Hey Harry," I said. "Is our garden doing good?" He turned to look at the flowers then back at me. "They're doing really good and the cherry blossom tree is getting really big! Also our flowers are almost fully grown." I smiled at the thought of our own garden blossoming. The beautiful sight of such beautiful colors and the smell of nature.

We talked about what we've been doing while not seeing each other. Harry did most of the talking since the only thing I have to talk about is me getting checkups and coughing here and there. I didn't mind though. Hearing about what Harry has to say made me happy. If he's happy then I'm happy.

"Harry Styles," the male nurse said, interrupting our talk. "You have 10 more minutes." Harry closed his eyes and sighed. "Feels like I have just been here for a minute, huh." he said and let out a low laugh. I put my hand on his back and patted it. "We still have the lamps," I said. "We can talk through there since the doctors don't let me use my phone because of the health state that I am in." Harry furrowed his eyebrows and nodded. 

"I'm glad I get to talk to you at least," he said and bit his lip. "The house is very quiet when you're not there. Not as peaceful as you would picture it, haha." He held his left shoulder and stroked it. He turned his body facing me and caressed my hand, afterwards reaching for his back pocket and pulled out a black ring box. 

"Louis," he said and opened the box that had a 10k white gold diamond promise ring with a heart on the front. "Will you promise me that we'll still love each other and be friends no matter what happens later on in life?" I took the ring from the box and studied it. "Of course, Harry. I always will if you promise me that you will take better care of yourself. I don't want you wounded up in here like me." I would never wish anything like what I'm going through to anybody. I want everybody to be happy and I want to make everyone proud. You never know until you won't be able to fulfill everybody's happiness. Take any chance to be a nice person was what my mother used to tell me as a kid. Harry nodded and handed me the ring box. 

"I promise." 

A nurse escorted Harry out and on the way to the exit he waved at me and smiled with the lamp on his hands.

December 24, 2016  
It was Louis' day to get clean and a female nurse took him to the showers and sat at a corner to supervise him. Louis did feel uncomfortable having someone watch him as he bathed, but that's just how life was right then. He turned on the showers and began rinsing his hair and body with a waterproof hospital gown.

When he was completely soaked he picked up the body wash soap and scrubbed down his body. There were two little bottles of shampoo and conditioner next to the shower head and he picked the shampoo first and squirted it on his head to scrub. Bubbles started forming on his hands and head, he rinsed through his hair to get it off. Louis looked down at the ground and he found hair falling next to his feet. 

Louis panicked and started picking at his hair making more hair fall to the ground. Was this real life? He fell on the ground and hyperventilated. The nurse ran over to him to turn off the water and drag him to the bed. Louis didn't have any emotion as he was dragged across the floor with his feet touching the ground. The nurse didn't even give him time to dry off, he was wet and uncomfortable. It felt like he was a sock on a foot and the person stepped on water. 

"Why am I so ugly." he whispered to himself as he looked at his reflection from the floor filled with water puddles that he left behind. 

"Do you want anything?" the nurse said to him, intertwining her hands with the other. 

"I want you to leave me alone." Louis said. The nurse walked out of the room and her footsteps could be heard as she made her way down the hallway. 

Louis turned on his side where the lamp was and pressed the circle shaped button that was used to hear the other persons recordings.

"Hi Louis, really miss you. Hope you're doing well."  
"Hi Louis, it's me, Harry. Sorry if I'm bothering you or anything I just wanted to check up on you."

Louis didn't smile at the sound of Harry's voice. He didn't seem to care at all. What happens when the person who causes your happiness doesn't anymore? 

He reached over to the triangle button and pressed it to record. Louis cleared his throat and breathed hard. 

"Hi Harry, miss you too bud. I'm doing fine right now. So far so good on my health. Ehmm, hoping to get good lunch today, haha. I hope you're doing well and smiling! You deserve to. Bye. Love you"

Lying to Harry was something Louis did on a regular basis. He didn't intend to do it on purpose just for the fun of it. No, Louis wanted Harry to not worry about him. Instead he wanted Harry to focus on his life and him as a person. It really did hurt seeing Harry upset or sad about anything and Louis didn't want to add more pressure and weight on his back just because of what's happening to him. 

"Two more days and Harry is going to visit me. I can handle that... I know I can." Harry wouldn't care about how he looked like, and he was sure of it. He was having second thoughts though. The ring box was sitting close to his arm and he reached for it and put the ring on his pinky finger. It was a promise ring and Louis will try his very best to keep that promise. He sighed deeply and waited for nurses to come in and feed him. 

Harry didn't go out as much as he used to. Without Louis being there with him there was no point in going out anywhere. The only places that he would go to is the grocery store, and straight back home. He was aching to tell the love of his life that he loved him, but how will he do that when there's a risk that the love of his life won't be in his life for long? Harry also didn't want to guilt him into loving him back for the sake of their friendship or his feelings. 

He screamed in rage and punched himself on the thigh repeatedly that he was sure he left a bruise and sat on the corner of the living room where a picture of Louis and him was framed. That's when everything was pure and life was great. Louis and him could hug and say things to each other without any meaning to it. It was just what friends do, but little did he know that he would end up falling for him. Harry laid his head in between his thighs and cried. 

He didn't cry because he was upset, but because he was mad that he was in love with a boy. Love is always love unless it's between a man with another man. That's just how society was. 

He stood up and wiped the tears from his eyes even though he knew he wasn't done crying and went to the bedroom where the lamp was. The lamp was glowing and Harry felt like home. Louis wasn't here but he knew that he still cared about him enough to check up on him. He sat down on the bed and listened to the recordings that Louis sent him and fell in love with the feeling. The feeling of his heartbeat increasing as every word came out of Louis' mouth. 

That night Harry felt more comfortable to sleep on his own. He didn't need anyone for now to be by his side at all times. He didn't know wether or not he should be proud of being able to live life on his own without Louis. And he couldn't. A pillow was in his arms, as if that was Louis and he was holding onto him for dear life. Tears dampened the edge of the pillow and no matter how much he tried to stop, he couldn't. 

Louis kept thinking about how he let everyone down. He won't be able to make any more people happy if he looks ugly. He knows he's ugly and he feels ugly. Looks are the things people focus on more than personality and he wishes he could change that. There's more than just looks to people. There's personality, respect, and beauty is just a plus. You can be beautiful on the outside but ugly on the inside. And Louis was both. Ugly and ugly. He clenched his fist and dug his fingernails in his skin. 

December 26, 2015  
It was the day Harry was going to visit again. That morning they woke Louis up to shave his head. He was losing his hair and they couldn't help and stop it.   
Louis looked at the mirror and felt his hairless scalp hoping it was all a dream. Now he really felt ugly. Insecurity was one of his biggest problems to face. He couldn't look at a mirror for a long time without wanting to gag and punch it. Now it's just getting worse for him every day that passes by. 

He even thought about ending it all.

But the thought of leaving behind his family and Harry was worse than his insecurities. He'd rather feel ugly than lose the happiness that he gives to his family members. The nurses placed him back to his bed and put an oxygen mask on him to control his breathing. 

He woke up a few hours later and the first thing he did was check the lamp. It was glowing and the color was red. His favorite color. The fog of his breath filled the clear oxygen mask as he let out a laugh. A knock was heard at the door then quickly opened by a nurse. Harry was waiting behind him patiently with a red button up shirt that wasn't buttoned all the way up and his cross necklace was hanging on his chest with white skinny jeans, and gold boots.

"Harry." Louis said and his smile could be seen through the mask. His smile quickly faded away as he realized that he didn't look the same. His eye bags were getting darker and he looked pale and unhealthy. Not to mention that he doesn't have hair anymore. Embarrassingly he tried to cover up his head with both of his hands. Harry's eyes widened when he noticed the major changes that happened to him over the course of a few days. He sat down by him without saying a single word, but instead he hugged him as tight as he possibly could. 

"Please don't look at me." Louis said into his ear as they hugged. Harry didn't listen to this words and stared at him. He was still the most beautiful man he has seen. His eyes sparkled with the bright lights of the room shining on them. Harry caressed Louis' cheeks as he looked into his eyes.

"You're very beautiful." 

Louis smiled and shook his head then looked down. He didn't believe the words that were coming out of Harry's mouth. It was all out of pity and he knew that he didn't really mean it. More fog was seen on his oxygen mask as he coughed. 

They didn't talk for a long time because Louis fell asleep from the pills that they gave him that morning to prevent a lot of pain. Harry didn't mind though. He was happy enough that he got a chance to see him. That was all he was thankful for. 

The sad part was that Harry wouldn't be able to visit him for over a month. Louis was going to go into more medicine and treatment. Harry laid on his bed. His. Louis wasn't there anymore to be called their bed. He looked at the ceiling for a long time and thought about all the times Louis was at his side and nothing was wrong with him. No smoking, no sadness. It was a good time being a teenager. But no one lives forever and he knows that. He kept blaming himself for not appreciating the time that he had left with him until he got taken away into the hospital. It was all his fault. 

January 26, 2015

"Louis, I'm madly in love with you and I hope we can still be friends after this."

Harry grunted as he looked in the mirror practicing what he will finally say to Louis. Should he do it face to face? Was he strong enough to do that yet? He didn't know. "Louis, I didn't know my best friend could end up being the love of my life... but now I know that it can happen. Louis I'm in love with you." He gritted his teeth and tugged his hair hardly. 

He walked to the framed picture of Louis and him and smiled when he saw him smiling. That's when he was free of worry and was happy. The framed picture was at his chest as he hugged it and closed his eyes. "I can do this." he said and walked over to the bedroom where the lamp was. 

Breathing hard. Practicing his speech. "Do I really want to do this now..." he said to himself as his finger was an inch away from the recording button. He closed his eyes and let out a deep sigh as he pressed it. There was no turning back now. 

"Hi Louis. I hope you're doing well and that you're happy. I've been meaning to tell you something and I don't know how to quite say it... Louis, we've known each other for a long time and throughout those years we faced horrific obstacles and now it's a greater barrier in our life. I want to let you know that I am deeply in love with you. You may not feel the same way and it's fine. I just wanted to let you know how I feel because it has been eating me alive. The feeling of not being able to tell someone you love the way you feel about them is absolutely horrible. Having to keep it a secret from fear of getting hurt or even fear of getting rejected. The only fear I have at the moment is losing you or losing our friendship. You could hate me forever for this, but please keep being friends with me. I don't know how I could live with myself knowing that I ruined one of the best things that has ever happened to me. I love you very much, take care. Wish you the best."

He let go of the recording button and looked at his reflection from the mirror, staring for a long time. Did I really do that? He thought. How come he doesn't feel any different? He did the most scariest thing that he feared for a very long time yet he doesn't feel like he accomplished anything. He was in shock that he even had the guts to do that. 

A signal, a sign, anything back from Louis was what kept Harry up at night, he was anxious to see his response and how he felt about what he said to him. When would this nightmare end?

February 10, 2015.  
Harry was paranoid at this point. No call, no text, nothing from the hospital or any response from the lamp. The lamp didn't glow like every night when Louis tapped it to reassure Harry that he was ok. The courage that it took to even spill his sorrows to him and now he doesn't even know if he got the message. 

The car started and Harry passed almost every speed limit sign without any second thoughts. This was for the sake of ever seeing Louis again, he didn't care if he got a ticket or anything. 

At the arrival of the Hospital, Harry went to the counter to schedule a visit for today. He opened the door roughly that it almost made a dent on the backside. He gasped at the sight of the cardiac monitor without any heartbeat. 

Louis was physically there, but not there at the same time. 

The doctors were in there too. They explained what happened and they said they tried their best to save him. Harry crouched to the floor and intertwined  his fingers with his. Tears rolled off his cheeks and landed on Harry's rose tattoo. 

"He left behind this." Dr. Thomas said and handed me Louis' Friendship Lamp. I set it on the counter and listened to a recording that wasn't sent.

"Harry. I am very proud of you to admit how you feel," Coughing could be heard. 

"Love you too,"

"But I don't love you in that way. I'm not sure how to tell you this easily but I got the hint that you did a long time ago. I tried my best to not say anything about it and ignored it. I'm sorry that I let you down. I'm sorry that I'm not the person you would think that I am. I won't lie to you. I am not in love with you and would never be. I'm sorry that I couldn't keep your one promise" 

Harry had tears in his eyes. All the pain he had felt had gone downhill. Louis was the one who repaired his broken heart when they first met, and now he's somehow more broken because of him. Louis never meant that he loves him. He loved him. A huge difference. Love you and I love you we're two complete opposites. One came from the heart and one didn't. Today, Louis' didn't come from the heart. Should he really be mad at the fact that he lied to him? Did he lie to him? Harry couldn't thing straight and his mind was filled with sadness. 

"The promise ring.." Harry mumbled to himself. He observed both of Louis' hands for the promise ring. It was nowhere to be found on his body. He looked over at the counters and next to the lamp, there it was. 

Louis took it off. He broke the promise. He broke his heart. He wasn't his friend anymore. He wasn't here anymore. 

Harry drove with dried up tears on his cheeks and rushed home. Everything died right in front of him. The love of his life died, love died, the flowers in the garden... died. He went inside his home and looked under his bed for a suitcase. It was dark in the room.

He pulled the weapon to his head and loaded it full of his goodbyes.

His whole body was shaking as his pointer finger was placed on the trigger. "I love you Louis," he said.  
"I'm happy, I promise... I promise." He squeezed the trigger and that was it. There was no time to stop himself before it was too late. He didn't think it would end like this. He left behind his mum and family. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

He woke up.

"Harry, Harry!" Louis shouted at him and shook him from a bad dream. "Louis you're alive!" Harry said and sniffled as he hugged him. Louis hugged him tightly and kissed him on his forehead. "It's okay Harry, nothing happened, love. Im still here and will always be here. I love you very much." he said as he caressed his hair.

Harry turned around and saw the same lamps that they had in his nightmare. 

"You really shouldn't be crying on our wedding day, you know." Louis said and giggled. Harry held him closer. Skin to skin. They cuddled and Louis was the big spoon. It felt like home, it is home. 

It really was just a bad dream.

**Author's Note:**

> You CAN translate this into other languages but contact me before you do!


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